Chapter 3 - Boston

Without any family nearby and with Sam in school all day (and studying all night), Rachel and I were pretty much joined at the hip. I stayed at home with her. I taught her things, and watched her soak them in, and we explored the city.

I remember teaching her the alphabet. Well, technically Dr Seuss had a lot to do with it, but I was the one who read all those books to her so I think I still get the credit. She loved the Dr Seuss's ABC book. But I read it to her, and she loved that book. I can remember when she was a little older than one and we were flying home to visit family in Phoenix. It is a 5 hour flight, and she wanted me to keep reading that book, over, and over, and over again. Whenever you are on a flight with a young child, your only goal is to keep them quiet. Keep them relaxed. So they can just make it through the flight, so you can make it through the flight, and so that everyone around you can make it though the flight (without giving you dirty looks the whole time). So when I would finish reading it, and she would hand it to me and say "again." I would read it, again. I read it so many times that I had the whole book memorized, in fact I think I still do. "Big B little b what begins with B?" Barber, baby, bubbles, and a bumblebee." Actually, I vividly remember how I felt when we finished that flight. I wanted to chuck that book out the window and never read it again! I am glad I didn't though, because looking at it now brings all of those memories back. The cover is ripped, as well as many of the pages, and now it is all patched up with scotch tape.

As for thinking motherhood wasn't what I expected, I think a better explanation, is that I didn't really have any expectations about this part of motherhood. I didn't know much about what I wanted my life to be like when I "grew up" but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I had pictured being a soccer mom, and taking her to school, volunteering in her classroom, and having freshly baked cookies ready when she got home from school. I even had trouble choosing a major in college, because all I wanted to do was be a mom. But once it finally happened, when she was born, I admit, I was a little blind sided. In all of my daydreams, I don't think I had ever really imagined what my daily life would be like during those first few years, even though I had seen friends, and even my sister, have babies. I pictured holding them and looking at their adorable little face, and hands, and toes, but beyond that I guess I didn't know what it would be like. So when I finally got the chance to turn in my busy life, of working and going to school, and always staying busy, for a life of sitting at home, sitting on the couch, feeding a baby, and watching her sleep, it was a dream come true, but also a shock to my system.

Because of this, I wasn't always the happiest mom. I didn't always love this new life. Sometimes I missed my old one, where I had a job, where I felt busy, and productive. I missed interacting with adults, heck, just people who could talk. I remember, after one long day, realizing that I wasn't sure if I had uttered a single word that whole day until Sam came home from school. Sure, I would talk to Rachel, but I guess I didn't count that, because it wasn't a 'conversation.' Baby talk, and a few words here and there. Narrations of my day. After that, I would call my sister, or my parents almost every day. Just to say hi. Just to visit. Because some of those days were hard, they were too long, and sometimes they were lonely. These are probably the times that my husband thinks of when he wonders why I want another baby, I know he is thinking 'but you weren't always happy when you had a baby, so why do you want to do that all over again?' But all I needed was a little bit to keep me going, and then I could be happy just spending time laying on a blanket on the floor with my daughter and watching her eyes light up when she recognized a favorite toy, or just to tickle her and listen to her giggle. My husband isn't wrong, (though I refuse to say that he is right:). I wasn't always happy. There were down times, when I was sad, and depressed, and angry at him for not helping out what I thought was 'enough', or for many other things, but the good times, the highs, were so much higher than the happiness I had could get from anything else, that to me it made it worth it. I would compare it to how I felt on my wedding day. When I was so happy that my checks hurt from smiling so much. But that is just one day. And no matter how much we try to savor that day, to make it last; by taking a bazillion pictures, and hanging them in every room in the house, making a wedding video, etc it really is only one day. Would you relive that day over and over again if you could? Maybe, but we can't get married every day, and that is probably a good thing, because it was also an exhausing, stressful, expensive day. Which is actually perfect, because it proves the point that even the best things in the world have a down side. But, if there is something that makes us utterly happy, we strive after those things, despite the down sides.

Maybe this is why locals in Boston say "I could never leave here, I love the seasons, and I would miss them if I moved somewhere else." They are right, the seasons in Boston are unique. But during my first few years there, I couldn't understood how a few weeks of blossom covered trees in the spring, and a few weeks of colorful leaves in the fall balanced out (what feels like) nine months of the most miserable winter weather you can imagine. For each person it is different. To them, those few weeks out of the year make it all worth it. And for me, all those days where I struggled to even get a shower, let alone do the laundry or the grocery shopping, or actually prepare a meal for dinner, are all worth those few days where you are able to truely enjoy being a mother to your child.